I'm sure you've noticed (if you're one of my 5 blog readers) that I haven't posted in awhile. I could sit here and make up a ton of excuses, but that's just not going to happen. Life has become quite overwhelming in the past couple of months and my blog (among other things) have been moved to the back burner until I get everything figured out.
I'm not sure I even want to let this all out here, being all public and exposed, but I think that if I don't let it out somewhere, it will continue to eat me up inside. If you don't want to read someone go on and on about the trivial things in their life, you should probably stop reading now.
I try to live my life without any regrets. I have done some stupid stuff in my life, but it is just easy to brush it under the rug and forget about it. The one thing I can't seem to forget about is the path I took immediately after high school. Instead of being smart and starting college right away like everyone else, I decided to chase a boy that wound up breaking my heart. I moved across the country to be near him, and everything fell apart. It is really hard to be thousands of miles away from the people you grew up with. Of course, there were a few great people near me in California, but nothing ever felt the same. I took a few college courses while I lived there, but only finished one. School just wasn't as important as experiencing everything California had to offer. So looking back, yes. I hate myself for making that decision.
Now, I'm a 26 year old mother of 2 that has to worry about maintaining good grades and doing loads of homework on top of taking care of kids. And a dog. And making sure the house is semi-presentable. It is hard. I am struggling. I have caught a little bit of flack for deciding to take the summer off from school, but I feel that it is necessary. My kid is 3.5 and is not potty trained. I just do not have the time, patience or will to do it while I have so much more to worry about. We have had our puppy for about a month and he continues to pee all over the house. It is so frustrating, but I am so tired and burnt out from my everyday life, I just don't have it in me to sit outside every half an hour to make sure he does his business outside.
I have posted quite frequently about my weight. I am struggling here too. I am lacking the will to push myself as hard as I can. I hate myself for continuing to slack and have had plenty of time to reach my goal by now. But instead, I get lazy. One cheeseburger turns into a week of eating like crap and I gain the same 5 pounds back. The gym has been neglected in the past few weeks, with at least one member of our family sick. I can tell that I have put a few pounds back on because I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. The person I see disgusts me and since I have been so lazy, it doesn't seem this will end anytime soon.
I know what you're saying. Wow, terrible problems. Get a life. It could be so much worse. Yes, you're right. It could. But for me, this is feeding into the anxiety problems I already have, and it seems to have escalated. I am trying to figure out a way to motivate myself to feel better about the person that I am. Like to control myself around food, and to get myself out of bed and onto an elliptical machine. If you have any tips, leave them here.
There are a couple of exciting things in life right now that I hope will light a fire under me and get me back into the swing of things. My brother is finally wrapping up his 4-year stint in the Navy and should be home sometime in the next couple of weeks. It will be nice to have someone that is actually part of my family around. Ever since things have fallen apart with other members of my family, I have been pretty lost here.
Josh and I (along with another couple and their son) are taking Cameron to his first Tigers game in May. It might be a huge disaster, and I might want to cry after the first 4 innings, but it will be a fun experience for all 3 of us.
And lastly, we are planning a summer vacation with the same couple. We have decided to take a trip down to Florida in late August, which might be a crazy move considering the heat and humidity, but it will be nice to get away for awhile. We are considering a visit to Disney World, and according to several travel websites, the crowds at that time are pretty small. Sweet. Even if we don't get to go to Disney and wind up having to sit by the pool and lounge down the lazy river, so what? The idea of escaping Michigan for a week is fantastic and I can't wait for August to roll around. Now to work on that diet/exercise thing so I can rock a bathing suit while we're there...
